Ever since I was a child, I had a dream to do something big. When I used to stand in front of the assembly line, I used to see my fellow schoolmates getting awards and accolades for their achievements. Since that time, I always desired that one day I will be getting these awards. Those were my childhood days since when I saw people growing. It’s only that I could never grow up. I saw Rakesh Shah & Aneesh Chawla becoming Chartered Accountants. If I saw Nikhil Saxena becoming an MBA from Jamnalal Bajaj Institute of Management Studies, Mumbai then Nidhi Jain also did her MBA from Nirma Institute of Management, Ahmedabad. These people were my friends. And I used to consider them my role models. Because I saw them growing with their achievements. And the only person I hated all the time is me. And the reason for this hatred is the same since past fifteen years.
Till my SSC (Standard Tenth) exam, life was a mixed bag of positive and negative experiences. If I had mentors like Dharmejwar Sir and Virendra Sir who taught me the concepts of painting and martial arts those days, then I had an average candidature as a student who secured approximately 62% in my SSC exams along with few Drawing & NCC Air-wing certificates. Things were fine those days when I used to think they were not. Atleast, I used to fight those days without any inhibitions about future. Things turned out to be spooky as I lived each of my days since then.
Life has just been like a river. Where ever it found slope, I thought I got a direction to flow. Hardly did I think that I was not making my own path, but was following the one given by fate.
I still don’t understand what went wrong, during my HSSC exams. I was considered the best student of Mathematics in my coaching class. But I never developed interest towards subjects like chemistry and physics. Well, using the word “interest” would actually demean the entire situation. The truth is, whenever I used to open the books, those chemical equations and numerical derivations used to bother me a lot. I really don’t know why but I somehow goofed up big time with those subjects. May be that was the reason, I developed an attitude to give up. One week prior to my HSSC exam, Pawan told me that if we can not score well in the exam, it’s better to drop it and prepare for next year to get a good score so that we may get an admission into Engineering / Medicine. That was the first time when I decided to give up by taking a break of a year for a better future.
During the second year of my HSSC, I somehow got deviated from my educational goals as Bhaigiri was on the top of my mind. I secured just 45% of marks in my HSSC and hence the idea of taking a break a year ago actually got defeated.
When I recollected my self after series of self destructive events that transformed me back to a normal individual, I thought to mend myself by making a good career. Subsequently, I enrolled for CA Foundation program. I attended the best coaching in the town by the name of CAPS. During my CAPS days I used to loose focus every now and then. My carefree attitude could not allow me to concentrate on books. Again, that is something which I say to console myself. Truth is that I got scared of those thick books that I was supposed to finish for Accounting and Mercantile law. I used to rub my eyes a lot but still the fear of not completing the entire course did not allow me to appear for the actual exam. It was a déjà vu effect for me as similar thing happened with me during my HSSC exams too. And I, kind of, got an easy option…GIVE UP…in the absence of preparation.
Somehow, I never continued with CA Foundation again, as even graduation was becoming difficult for me to clear. However, I managed to get a good company of Nidhi and Ratna who helped me a lot in clearing my graduation. They were my co-students when I gradually made my mind to pursue an MBA from a reputed BSchool. With all the hard work, I finally cracked the entrance exam and secured provisional admission at IBS Hyderabad, the top 12th BSchool in India, at that time. However, I could not secure 50% marks in my graduation, which was a pre-requisite to be at IBS Hyderabad, my MBA admission got cancelled and I was back to pavilion. I considered it a serious failure of my life as I reached to a top position but just because I secured 49.02% of marks and not a complete 50%, I could not attend an MBA which was a dream for me at that time. But then even if I would have continued my MBA studies, I knew I never had that confidence within myself to get immersed in the knowledge areas which those thick books used to demand. So in a way, I thought I was not prepared for such a heavy weight course.
When I came back to my hometown I thought I should first opt for a course which does not demand hefty fees but still should provide a good footage. I already lost a good deal of money by the cancellation of my MBA program. So money was something which I felt shy to ask for, from my parents. I took an admission in the Company Secretaries program. Again the coaching class drama started where in I tried my best to gather the concepts right. However, gradually I came to know that theory is something which I can never be comfortable with. I used to love practical subjects like Mathematics and Accounts. However Company Secretary Course was mainly about business laws which were nothing but theory, theory and again theory.
Somehow I managed to get a job in Gurgaon and I carried my books along with me so that I can prepare myself for the CS course. As time passed, I lost my vision in the CS course as well and never attempted to write the exam due to lack of preparation. My MBA dream was still not dead completely. So I gradually started preparing for CET exam to target Jamnalal Bajaj Mumbai for my MBA. But work pressure never allowed me to fully concentrate on the preparation. I could never make my mind to appear seriously for my CET exam.
I only cultivated work experience which again is a mixed bag of an agent profile in a BPO to investment research in KPOs. During my stint with Convergys, I came across several professionals who used to curse the BPO industry. So in search of a better profile, I decided to work for financial domain. How I managed to get into this domain is altogether a different struggle story. But in my journey from being a caller to being a capital market professional, I again came across a thought to try for a course called MS Finance. After convincing myself that getting an MS in Finance is an industry demand, I finally made my mind to spend my hard earned money on this course from
It’s more than 15 years that just passed away and I still could not manage to equip myself with one good qualification. It started with HSSC, moved on to my graduation and CA exam, rolled over to my MBA and CS exam and then passed on to CET and MS Finance exam. I just could not prepare my mind to pass the testing times. These fifteen years, I lived a life of a saint, within every boundaries of morality. I never indulged myself into relationships with any female counterpart. Nor did I party, boozed or fagged in my entire life. I spent a lonely life which I am still continuing with. But the truth remains as it is…despite of being career conscious right from the beginning, I could not get even a single qualification in past fifteen years. Every time there were new reasons. But the basic one was the same - my late back attitude which finally forced me to give up.
What better example can you give, rather than mine, to prove that despite of all the sacrifices, people still do not succeed in their endeavors? May be I am not as good a fighter as my brother Samrat is. Or may be I am just a paranoid person who loves to live in an utopian world which really does not exist. I live in my own fantasy which still does not die despite of my failures.
Today I am thirty. When I open my books to study, I still face the same challenges that I used to face ever since past fifteen years. In fact, complexities of these challenges are increasing day by day. I gradually developed back ache due to prolonged work hours. I simply can not read for more than thirty minutes at a stretch. If I do so my eyes start paining. Since past few weeks, I developed swelling in my eyes as I tried to continue with my studies after tiring work-hours. May be the youth that gripped till now, has slowly started loosening me, as neck pain does not allow me to constantly peep into my computer too. So I can not even go through online materials. My growing tummy also does not allow me to sit comfortably with books.
Well, those are just bodily problems. Mind has other games to play. Whenever I try to go through that complex Capital Asset Pricing model or Fama & French’s three factor models, my mind deviates to think as to what will happen if my workplace gets changed to DITP Delhi? If not this, then what stops my manager to give me full credit for my hard work that I execute at my workplace? Why is she hell bent on sharing the credit of my hard work with another of my colleague who hardly works? Ever since I joined my company, I always delivered an entrepreneurial way of executing everything thereby not taking even a single leave. However, when I saw my seniors and co-colleagues using my way of execution for their own benefits, I decided to take a U turn. If applying for a 15 business day leave was mentally torturing me then deciding to execute only that much, which could suitable offset the compensation I receive from my company and not more than that, is another thought which twists me from right to left. If that’s not just enough, global recession acts as a topping on it. There are N number of things that bothers me a lot whenever I try my best to struggle with few of my books.
One thing for sure, I have learnt in these fifteen years is – my biggest enemy is ME MYSELF…
If I have to fight against someone, then that someone is ME only…
With each passing day, April 29th is coming near and near…It’s a day that I have chosen to test myself again on the parameters of struggle, both physical and mental…My track record with National Level exams fetched me fear and pessimism. And when I tresspassed the boundaries of my country and enrolled with a course from United States, I know people might feel that I am fooling myself. The exam is tough as it does not include basics, but builds on existing expertise related to investments. Since I never studied investments formally, it requires me to study the basics also. Only after building the basic concepts of corporate finance, I will be able to handle the specialized course structure of my exam.
This time, it’s not just me against a tough international course, but ME against ME too…
All the courses I attempted earlier was not my choice but was demanded either by industry or by certain set of people. The course which I am going through right now is the only one which I PERSONALLY chose to enhance my knowledge. I know it will not give me good recognition as it is not as popular as a CFA / CPA is, but then this time, nobody demanded this course from me. Neither my industry nor people.
The only benchmark is the one we set for ourselves. Let me test finally, whether I can carve it for myself or not…This time, I AM NOT GIVING UP…whatever the result would be, I am definitely writing my exams.
6 comments:
heay... just found your blog as I was searching for talent through Linkedin... I think you should read 'You can heal your life' by Loiuse Hay....
Take care
Deepa
I posted the above blog close to 2 years ago, on March 2009...when I enrolled myself with CIPM Level 1 Exam which was scheduled on April 29, 2009. I tried my best but still failed the exam. However, as mentioned earlier, this was a course I wanted to do for myself, I reappeared with the level 1 of this course in October 2009. With extreme dedication towards myself, I successfully passed the level 1 of the exam.
Now the trickiest part was to clear the level 2 which was the final level of this exam. Everyone knows, the toughest exam for investments, in the world is CFA, from CFA Institute, USA. And when the same institute conducts CIPM exam, it applies the same standards which are applied to CFA. As such the final level of CIPM exam is frighteningly tougher. Plus the fact that no one else in the entire country except me is attempting this course makes it more jittery and challenging as we don’t have supportive coaching classes, or notes or study groups. If I pass the final level exam, I might be the first one in the country to qualify for a CIPM designation. And I already failed the final level exam twice, (April 2010 & October 2010 attempts). In fact, by May 2010, I lost the domain of Investment Performance Measurement as the process for which I was working in my office, got reverse transitioned. Since then, I know that continuing with CIPM (which incidentally focuses only on the Investment Performance Measurement aspect) would not benefit me in any ways. Still I thought to continue with the program as I was doing it for myself. Post June 30, 2010, which was the last working day of my process, I went on a four month leave without pay so that I can prepare for the final level exam on October 29th 2010. It was a tough decision to make as being without salary for 4 months that too in a place, which is not even a hometown to me was impossible. House rent & other expenses apart from the hefty CIPM fees were very problematic. I never took monetary help from my parents in the past 8 years, especially after coming to Gurgaon. And earning in Indian currency and spending it in Dollars (CIPM being a US based course) literally broke me financially too. Plus I lost my health just three days before my exam to a 103 degree viral fever. When the result was announced on the CFA website, I was again broken into pieces. After investing so much of hard earned money (close to 3 lakhs till now), sacrificing 4 months of salary and studying rigorously for 4 months the end result were nothing but “FAILURE”.
I rejoined my office in November 2010 and since then I am searching a process in my office as my earlier process got reverse transitioned. The company gives 3 months of bench period to all the managers who lost their processes due to reverse transition. And I have already lost 2 months of bench period trying to search a suitable work profile in my existing organization. If I don’t manage to search it in the coming one month, my employment with my current organization will be held terminated. It’s a very tough time for me. I have to save my job or search one outside the company, the possibility of which is very low as Investment Performance Measurement as a domain is very less visible in a country like India. Thinking about spending another 500 dollars for exam fee and preparing mentally to reappear it coming April 2011 is next to impossible. I am broken financially, mentally, personally and professionally. So I thought not to continue with CIPM anymore and repair my shattered life a bit.
Three days ago, while having a chat with an online friend called Bhukkad, I was trying hard to console her because of a rejection she had during her college placement. She faced failures & rejections in her life since past 5 years. And then she made a remark – “You won’t understand how it feels to be rejected & failed for 5 years“. Wow…what a remarkable remark, especially to guy who tasted failures & rejections since past 15 years, isn’t it? That was a moment, which I will never ever forget in my entire life. Of-course, it was unintentional from her end, but it quietly pinched me deep into my heart. She also mentioned that she is not intelligent, but she is a hard-worker. And that with every failure, she works harder, than her earlier failed attempts. I might not understand her position because everyone has a different situation to face. But sometimes, you get to learn your lessons even from juniors like Bhukkad…he he he…I really don’t consider myself a hard worker, but this is for sure, that I am not even an intelligent guy. Yet I derived my share of motivation from her words – “with every failure, she works harder, than her earlier failed attempts”. We come across such words every now and then in life. But for me, it was quite situational.
Today, I have spent another 500 dollars taking re-admission to the CIPM Final level exam, which I will write in the last week of April 2011. This time, the going will be tougher than what it was previously. But with all the problems in my life, I see myself geared up to face another challenging journey which starts today.
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