Heading Towards My True North...

May be I really needed a break.  Everything was just too much for me, with no scope to begin new ventures.  And those things which I left in the past were just left-over.  All that I had in my life was just office, office and office during weekdays and some time during weekends which used to just swift away within no time.  

The fact that I took a twelve day leave from my work (eight weekdays actually) really bothered me initially.  But after having spent three of those, I now feel that I am good on it.  Just imagine, switching off my cell phone was never so wonderful earlier as it is now.  I am totally out of touch with those who want to contact me for N number of reasons.  And I am still within reach for those whom I would love to be in contact with.  Isn’t that simply amazing?  He he he…

Now that’s what you can expect from a person like me…I will give 100% of my dedication when I am at work but will not give anyone even a single chance to contact me when I am not working.  He he he…

Three days have gone by and I still did not feel the pressure of my exam.  Although, I have used the first day just to relax and watch a movie at PVR.  Second day was actually used by me to complete a chapter on Ethical Practices in Investment analysis.  I am glad I finished it completely. 

While browsing internet, I saw few videos on Youtube.  One such video turned me upside down.  It was a lecture given by Professor Shankar at ISB Hyderabad on the topic – finding your true north.  I never attended even a single class during my college days…and see I am so anxious to attend them today even on Youtube…he he he.  The lecture took two of my hours and I am happy that I was completely engrossed in it right from the beginning till it ended. 

The professor did mention about finding our true north and then living it.  According to him, awareness, attention, action and reflection are the four factors that take us to our true north.  It was a lecture that urged me to do some soul searching.  The third day of my leave was completely used in asking me few questions and seeking answers to them.  You can call it rediscovering self.  I somehow discovered a huge guilt within myself for consciously being away from many things that I used to do during childhood.  Bird-watching, Painting, Martial Arts, Meditation, Trekking and listening to Music were few of my passions when I used to be in school.  Also, aero-modeling and swimming were those things which I liked but never had enough money to indulge myself with them. 

In past six years, I used to think that only watching movies at PVR can relax me.  I failed to understand that there were many things that I could have done to rejuvenate myself from hectic work pressure and heinous office politics.  I was simply not satisfied with the gifts that work life gave me in the form of body pain, a cartoon like disfigured body and severe mental tension.  After that soul searching exercise, I really felt that I should rebuild life on those long lost passion that I possessed during childhood. 

Subsequently, the pursuit of happiness led me to finalize few things that I would like to do this year apart from working…

Regular study for a good educational credential

Regular Martial Arts practice

Listening music

Bird-watching,

Trekking &

Visiting new places during weekends

Since, I am already learning new concepts of investment research and risk management; I am already pursuing my educational aspirations.  The need is to bring rigor into it.  I don’t know how I will do it, but then, I will do it.  

Yesterday I did some browsing on Martial Arts Coaching Centers operating in Gurgaon.  I finally ended up speaking to Gunjan Sharma, who is a Jeet Kuni Do instructor.  My Jeet Kuni Do training will begin from tomorrow and today I have plans for purchasing a sport shoe and new track suite.  He he he…

Yesterday, I purchased a new audio CD of Dev.D and uploaded the songs in my laptop.  I really enjoyed the creative compilations of Amit Trivedi, the music director of the album.  I would shop some more of music for my iPod. 

I also got a new collection titled – The book of Indian Birds by Salim Ali.  It is a book that I intended to purchase when I was in school but never had enough money to do so.  I am glad the book is in my shelf now and I have also started browsing internet for a pair of good binoculars.  Also, I now have three new people on my networking list who have already started interacting with me on topics related to bird-watching. 

During my school days, I was associated with World Wide Fund (WWF) for Nature India.  I would be visiting its Delhi office today to seek its regular membership.  I am sure, apart from working for a good cause to preserve nature; it would definitely offer some trekking and natural sight seeing camps in the coming future.  By the way, a month ago, I already visited Bareilly & Nainital along with Sumit.  It was an unplanned trip which offered me great insights about touring places.  Now it’s time for me to explore other parts of North India till I am in Delhi.  I really need to live by the phrase – the world is not enough…he he he

While gifting an Arrow Shirt to Brijesh (DAMM team member) on his birthday, today I was content enough to have friends like him along with Puneet and Manoj.  Initially, I had certain inhibitions about them as I never liked BPO employees.  However, gradually I realized that being from BPO background does not necessarily mean they are evil.  If I work in a BPO, I should not remain aloof from the fact that there are other good people also who are making their livelihood from the same industry.  Well, they are very few in numbers, but then the point is…They are.  Being with them, I sometimes become nostalgic as they do remind me of my friends during my college days.  I need to teach them seriousness and in turn seek an opportunity from them to spend some casual moments even in work life. 

Above all, I talked, talked and talked on numerous topics with my Mom and just felt life.  My work timings are such that I hardly get time to interact with her.  Taking a break from work now has given me enough time to be with her.  I took her out and watched a movie – Firaaq along with her.  It is something that I rarely did in past few years. 

I don’t know if I am actually heading towards my true north.  But I would really feel good if I pursue things close to my heart.  Quality Management is all about reducing variations and defects and I learnt & practiced it in my work life.  It’s time for me to implement it to my personal life as well so as to live an overall Quality Life. 

Of course, work would still be my priority.  But it will not be the only one, anymore.  He he he...

Overpowered...By The Enemy

Ever since I wrote my last blog, I thought I would be compelling myself to gradually move towards my study goals.  I thought that I would regularly struggle with the study material and would overpower my physical and mental blocks.  However, if things move on, exactly according to our plan, then all of us would be Gods.  Isn’t it?  

Another twenty days gone by and there’s not even a single sign of progress.  I am still there, where I used to be.  No-where…he he he 

If I analyze these twenty days that passed by, then I conclude that I had number of bad and good experiences.  

My co-worker who shares the same hierarchy accused me of possessing vested interest towards one of my team-members, even though I never ever thought about it.  I know his intentions are just to taint me and bring my strong candidature down.  I don’t know what good can people achieve by indulging themselves into these cheap politics rather than making themselves stronger through their work.  Certainly people like these should be avoided as they definitely create un-necessary pressure in our mind.  The entire episode actually ate three of my days and I just couldn’t concentrate on studies.     

When I gradually forgot the above event, my work demanded more of my time as the monthly research that we do in our office takes 10 days where in, I have to devote myself for quality checking the entire work that my team does.  During these 10 days, I know I hardly get time to check my personal emails and scraps on orkut.  Managing studies in these ten days is just impossible.  

If that’s not enough, I heard from one of my close alliance that my seniors are hell bent on shifting the entire process to DITP Delhi and are still ok with one or two consequent attrition.  It was another tension that rented my mind for two full days as I was the main protagonist who was against this shift.  He he he… 

Since my 15 working day leave application already got approved by my manager, my subconscious mind started taking study goals lightly.  As per my calculations, a total of 22 days exam preparation (including weekends) that I would undergo next month actually made me very comfortable.  Gradually, my regular study time got replaced with extra sleep and more time with office friends.  (Isn’t it called late back attitude) 

Oh yes! The joke of the century is that now, I have a group of “friends”.  He he he.  

Those who know me understand very well that I hardly make friends.  However, after say eight long years, I now have a group of friends called DAMM.  It refers to Disguised Assistant Managers Meet.  Include me, Puneet, Brijesh & Manoj and you would see DAMM.  We all are Assistant Managers catering to different teams.  However, we are closely bonded with each other and spend atleast an hour’s time regularly dining and sipping T shots (tea served in small cups as if we have tequila shots).  I don’t think there would hardly be any girl working in our office who has not been discussed in DAMM…he he he…and most of the times we do crib about our seniors and the existing inefficient management practices too…that’s normal…he he he.  I feel comfortable with each of them.  Again, anything which makes me comfortable also robs my concentration.  And yes, the hard fact of life is that most of the time, I feel like being with DAMM rather than going through my e-books during spare time in office.  That’s something which happened exactly whenever I used to prepare for some kind of exams in the past.  So nothing new about it…he he he  

Since past one and a half week, I am busy along with my manager doing the root cause analysis and preparing several mitigation reports as our line of business unexpectedly fetched some errors.  Analyzing past one years data thereby digging each and every account that our team members researched, hardly gave me time to breath.  And then making numerous presentations for several reviews some how forced me to forget about studies.  To neutralize my mind with the ongoing tensions, last weekend I watched three back to back movies at PVR.  “Straight”, “Baarah Aana” and “Firaaq”, all were good movies.  But then they were movies…he he he…what to say when my real life actually looks like an ongoing Gurudatt type of movie.  He he he 

Last Sunday, I also met with Vibhor and Vikram…the two guys from Royal Bank of Scotland.  Vikram is my friend cum neighbor since past three years.  Vibhor, his co-worker wanted to meet me since past few months.  Since Vibhor was leaving Delhi to pursue his MBA from ISB Hyderabad, I did not feel like skipping it.  Even I was curious to meet this guy.  Our meeting resulted in a fruitful networking with few exchange of ideas.  Definitely meeting such people motivates me and sets me back on track.  So this was again a wow experience for me which forced me to finally understand the Capital Asset Pricing Model and the Fama French Three Factor Model…he he he…as these are risk models and both Vikram and Vibhor along with me were slightly inclined towards risk management during our discussion.  He he he… 

All said and done, too many things at one point of time actually take my mind and consciousness.  Reasoning…isn’t it?  He he he…that's what it is...for getting overpowered by my biggest enemy...Me Myself...he he he

It will be a tough day for me today, as I have to properly hand over all my responsibilities prior to taking leaves.  My work will certainly take my entire day…but from tomorrow onwards, I will be free for another twelve days.     

It’s really hard to believe that after three long years, I would be taking leaves beginning tomorrow.  I intend to use them for a cause… 

Let’s see how hard I struggle during my next twelve days so that I burn a good amount of midnight oil to create some flames of knowledge.  ALL THE BEST TO ME...

Battling Myself From Within

Ever since I was a child, I had a dream to do something big. When I used to stand in front of the assembly line, I used to see my fellow schoolmates getting awards and accolades for their achievements. Since that time, I always desired that one day I will be getting these awards. Those were my childhood days since when I saw people growing. It’s only that I could never grow up. I saw Rakesh Shah & Aneesh Chawla becoming Chartered Accountants. If I saw Nikhil Saxena becoming an MBA from Jamnalal Bajaj Institute of Management Studies, Mumbai then Nidhi Jain also did her MBA from Nirma Institute of Management, Ahmedabad. These people were my friends. And I used to consider them my role models. Because I saw them growing with their achievements. And the only person I hated all the time is me. And the reason for this hatred is the same since past fifteen years.

Till my SSC (Standard Tenth) exam, life was a mixed bag of positive and negative experiences. If I had mentors like Dharmejwar Sir and Virendra Sir who taught me the concepts of painting and martial arts those days, then I had an average candidature as a student who secured approximately 62% in my SSC exams along with few Drawing & NCC Air-wing certificates. Things were fine those days when I used to think they were not. Atleast, I used to fight those days without any inhibitions about future. Things turned out to be spooky as I lived each of my days since then.

Life has just been like a river. Where ever it found slope, I thought I got a direction to flow. Hardly did I think that I was not making my own path, but was following the one given by fate.

I still don’t understand what went wrong, during my HSSC exams. I was considered the best student of Mathematics in my coaching class. But I never developed interest towards subjects like chemistry and physics. Well, using the word “interest” would actually demean the entire situation. The truth is, whenever I used to open the books, those chemical equations and numerical derivations used to bother me a lot. I really don’t know why but I somehow goofed up big time with those subjects. May be that was the reason, I developed an attitude to give up. One week prior to my HSSC exam, Pawan told me that if we can not score well in the exam, it’s better to drop it and prepare for next year to get a good score so that we may get an admission into Engineering / Medicine. That was the first time when I decided to give up by taking a break of a year for a better future.

During the second year of my HSSC, I somehow got deviated from my educational goals as Bhaigiri was on the top of my mind. I secured just 45% of marks in my HSSC and hence the idea of taking a break a year ago actually got defeated.

When I recollected my self after series of self destructive events that transformed me back to a normal individual, I thought to mend myself by making a good career. Subsequently, I enrolled for CA Foundation program. I attended the best coaching in the town by the name of CAPS. During my CAPS days I used to loose focus every now and then. My carefree attitude could not allow me to concentrate on books. Again, that is something which I say to console myself. Truth is that I got scared of those thick books that I was supposed to finish for Accounting and Mercantile law. I used to rub my eyes a lot but still the fear of not completing the entire course did not allow me to appear for the actual exam. It was a déjà vu effect for me as similar thing happened with me during my HSSC exams too. And I, kind of, got an easy option…GIVE UP…in the absence of preparation.

Somehow, I never continued with CA Foundation again, as even graduation was becoming difficult for me to clear. However, I managed to get a good company of Nidhi and Ratna who helped me a lot in clearing my graduation. They were my co-students when I gradually made my mind to pursue an MBA from a reputed BSchool. With all the hard work, I finally cracked the entrance exam and secured provisional admission at IBS Hyderabad, the top 12th BSchool in India, at that time. However, I could not secure 50% marks in my graduation, which was a pre-requisite to be at IBS Hyderabad, my MBA admission got cancelled and I was back to pavilion. I considered it a serious failure of my life as I reached to a top position but just because I secured 49.02% of marks and not a complete 50%, I could not attend an MBA which was a dream for me at that time. But then even if I would have continued my MBA studies, I knew I never had that confidence within myself to get immersed in the knowledge areas which those thick books used to demand. So in a way, I thought I was not prepared for such a heavy weight course.

When I came back to my hometown I thought I should first opt for a course which does not demand hefty fees but still should provide a good footage. I already lost a good deal of money by the cancellation of my MBA program. So money was something which I felt shy to ask for, from my parents. I took an admission in the Company Secretaries program. Again the coaching class drama started where in I tried my best to gather the concepts right. However, gradually I came to know that theory is something which I can never be comfortable with. I used to love practical subjects like Mathematics and Accounts. However Company Secretary Course was mainly about business laws which were nothing but theory, theory and again theory.

Somehow I managed to get a job in Gurgaon and I carried my books along with me so that I can prepare myself for the CS course. As time passed, I lost my vision in the CS course as well and never attempted to write the exam due to lack of preparation. My MBA dream was still not dead completely. So I gradually started preparing for CET exam to target Jamnalal Bajaj Mumbai for my MBA. But work pressure never allowed me to fully concentrate on the preparation. I could never make my mind to appear seriously for my CET exam.

I only cultivated work experience which again is a mixed bag of an agent profile in a BPO to investment research in KPOs. During my stint with Convergys, I came across several professionals who used to curse the BPO industry. So in search of a better profile, I decided to work for financial domain. How I managed to get into this domain is altogether a different struggle story. But in my journey from being a caller to being a capital market professional, I again came across a thought to try for a course called MS Finance. After convincing myself that getting an MS in Finance is an industry demand, I finally made my mind to spend my hard earned money on this course from ICFAI University. Be it work-pressure or be it the controversy between The CFA Institute USA and THE ICFAI India, I could never prepare my self for the exams. The fact is that I am still a normal graduate without any professional qualification.

It’s more than 15 years that just passed away and I still could not manage to equip myself with one good qualification. It started with HSSC, moved on to my graduation and CA exam, rolled over to my MBA and CS exam and then passed on to CET and MS Finance exam. I just could not prepare my mind to pass the testing times. These fifteen years, I lived a life of a saint, within every boundaries of morality. I never indulged myself into relationships with any female counterpart. Nor did I party, boozed or fagged in my entire life. I spent a lonely life which I am still continuing with. But the truth remains as it is…despite of being career conscious right from the beginning, I could not get even a single qualification in past fifteen years. Every time there were new reasons. But the basic one was the same - my late back attitude which finally forced me to give up.

What better example can you give, rather than mine, to prove that despite of all the sacrifices, people still do not succeed in their endeavors? May be I am not as good a fighter as my brother Samrat is. Or may be I am just a paranoid person who loves to live in an utopian world which really does not exist. I live in my own fantasy which still does not die despite of my failures.

Today I am thirty. When I open my books to study, I still face the same challenges that I used to face ever since past fifteen years. In fact, complexities of these challenges are increasing day by day. I gradually developed back ache due to prolonged work hours. I simply can not read for more than thirty minutes at a stretch. If I do so my eyes start paining. Since past few weeks, I developed swelling in my eyes as I tried to continue with my studies after tiring work-hours. May be the youth that gripped till now, has slowly started loosening me, as neck pain does not allow me to constantly peep into my computer too. So I can not even go through online materials. My growing tummy also does not allow me to sit comfortably with books.

Well, those are just bodily problems. Mind has other games to play. Whenever I try to go through that complex Capital Asset Pricing model or Fama & French’s three factor models, my mind deviates to think as to what will happen if my workplace gets changed to DITP Delhi? If not this, then what stops my manager to give me full credit for my hard work that I execute at my workplace? Why is she hell bent on sharing the credit of my hard work with another of my colleague who hardly works? Ever since I joined my company, I always delivered an entrepreneurial way of executing everything thereby not taking even a single leave. However, when I saw my seniors and co-colleagues using my way of execution for their own benefits, I decided to take a U turn. If applying for a 15 business day leave was mentally torturing me then deciding to execute only that much, which could suitable offset the compensation I receive from my company and not more than that, is another thought which twists me from right to left. If that’s not just enough, global recession acts as a topping on it. There are N number of things that bothers me a lot whenever I try my best to struggle with few of my books.

One thing for sure, I have learnt in these fifteen years is – my biggest enemy is ME MYSELF…

If I have to fight against someone, then that someone is ME only…

With each passing day, April 29^th is coming near and near…It’s a day that I have chosen to test myself again on the parameters of struggle, both physical and mental…My track record with National Level exams fetched me fear and pessimism. And when I tresspassed the boundaries of my country and enrolled with a course from United States, I know people might feel that I am fooling myself. The exam is tough as it does not include basics, but builds on existing expertise related to investments. Since I never studied investments formally, it requires me to study the basics also. Only after building the basic concepts of corporate finance, I will be able to handle the specialized course structure of my exam.

This time, it’s not just me against a tough international course, but ME against ME too…

All the courses I attempted earlier was not my choice but was demanded either by industry or by certain set of people. The course which I am going through right now is the only one which I PERSONALLY chose to enhance my knowledge. I know it will not give me good recognition as it is not as popular as a CFA / CPA is, but then this time, nobody demanded this course from me. Neither my industry nor people.

The only benchmark is the one we set for ourselves. Let me test finally, whether I can carve it for myself or not…This time, I AM NOT GIVING UP…whatever the result would be, I am definitely writing my exams.