Depth Of Life…

Someone once said – “Rishi, your life has great width but lacks depth”…

And I was like – what???  Being an Analyst, my core job is to sail deep in whatever pursuits I am engaged into.  That’s what my professional work profile demands me to be…However, people still feel, that my personal life lacks all kinds of depth in it.  May be, that’s because they see lots of buoyancy in it.  Now, what on earth could create such gulfy chasms…?

For me, the “depth of life” was a term coined by this beautiful lady who curiously listened to my adventures with female fraternity.  She later on became a soul friend of mine with whom I not only shared almost all of my life events but also created a few with her too…In-fact, she is the one who created the very first line of this article.  

Talking about keeping buoyancy, most people think that I am a carefree guy with no agenda in life.  That’s because they don’t see me hooked up to anything / anyone.  They perceive me as someone who believes in “no strings attached”, be it relationships or be it anything which creates gravity.  A heat seeking bachelor, who flirts with everyone and longs for no one.  The fact that I am not even looking a partner to get married even at an age of thirty three makes others think that I am quite influenced by western civilization.  It’s been more than ten years now that I have been questioned by almost everyone about my singularity.  And every time people do so, I choose to ignore them.  That’s because, in my opinion, people will never understand my philosophy and even if they do, they will never associate themselves with it. 

I think…howsoever wrong I may be, but I think.  And therefore, I consider myself a human being.  Else, I would just have been like other living beings on the planet who mostly are not capable of using their grey matter and who blindly follow the norms established by others.  An ant, for that matter, will only follow the path of another ant that precedes and hence we have all of them in a single line afraid of taking paths less travelled.  Anything and everything which gels with masses, has always been termed as “Normal”.  For the rest, like me, they came up with the caption, “Abnormal”.  To qualify as a human being, I feel one must think and act based on the prudent wisdom which gets created in one’s mind.  And I am just trying my best to be a human being. 

Let me take you to the territories where people’s perception reaches even before me.  The first and the foremost thought that comes in the mind of people is that I am not ready to accept additional responsibility.  Even closest of the close ones think so about me.  Well, I accept that I am bad enough in deciphering my own self many a times, so being aware of someone else’s life associated with mine seems daunting.  I do value my independence where in I enjoy being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want.  But how does it impair my ability to accept additional responsibility?  In fact, it exponentially magnifies my potential to serve wholeheartedly.  Look into my history and in every phase of my life, you would understand that I have taken additional responsibilities of many people on my own shoulders and had executed them to their satisfactory completion.  Of-course, my approach towards executing responsibilities might be harsh, but I don’t pass it on just for the heck of keeping my shoulders light.  Even if I accept a life time responsibility of taking care of someone who is not even a part of my existing family, I don’t think, I will surpass it just to enjoy my freedom and independence.  At several instances, I have exhibited this trait of mine flawlessly and naturally.  And I will do so, even till my last breath.  Period. 

The other thing, which most of the people think is that I have a phobia towards commitment.  And believe me friends; these are the same people who despite of having partners in their life are consciously seeking others out there, just for the sake of having momentary pleasures.  I really don’t know what type of commitment they expect me to have within myself.  All I understand is that treachery is not just violation of faith but also betrayal of trust in any relationship.  While I am extremely phobic of being treacherous to anyone, I am not at all afraid of real commitment.  Unfortunately, people don’t understand the true meaning of commitment and hence end up with false relationship.  Some false relationships still lasts with conscious or unconscious ignorance while others break.  Most of the people think that just by tying the knot of marriage, they are free from getting stigmatized as “commitment phobic”.  As if, writing the word “committed” in a relationship status is quite a fashion these days… :-)

There are other myths which people like to ponder over me.  Some of them presume that I have been hurt in an earlier relationship and as such, I am finding it hard to trust again.  Whereas there are quite a few, who assume that I am concentrating on my career which needs all of my energy to remain focused.    Some feel that I don’t believe in relationships as they rarely work out and still there are people who like to surmise that I want to date as many women as possible in the name of finding the right one.  And if that’s not enough, few joke around that I have sexual problems whereas there are a handful of people who suspect me of enjoying erotic smorgasbord with as many women as possible.  I don’t even have to go into each and every detail to classify them as “BULL SHIT”.  Those who know me well will easily rule them out without getting into the nitty-gritties of it. 

So what is it that keeps me away from sailing deep?  Haven’t I met the right woman?  Well, there is a difference between a “right” woman and “always right” woman.  And I have met both types of women.  The former are the ones with whom I would like to be associated with, whereas the latter are the ones, no one would like to be affiliated with.  During my college days, I had an alliance with this girl, with whom I used to study for my MBA Entrance preparation.  We were close enough to share our thoughts and beliefs with each other and at that time, I used to feel that she is the right person for me.  Moreover, we were best friends too.  But somehow, I never approached her.   Not because of the fear of rejection, but because in a country like India, people ultimately feel that marriage is the only final destination for a man-woman relationship.  And even at that time, I never intended to get married.  She moved on and found her soul mate with whom she is happily married.  Though I was a bit shaken with her marriage, I never regretted my decision of not approaching her.  Since then, I met with numerous women, but I never found myself close enough with any of them to consider them “right” for me.  That was until now, but not anymore… :-)

Now let me dissect the reason why I don’t believe in the institution called “marriage”.  But before that, let me ask one question to all my readers – what is the basic ingredient of any relationship?  The answer might differ from people to people.  Some might quote, faith or trust whereas others might come up with emotions like honesty, respect, forgiveness, friendship, connect, compatibility, values, patience, passion etc.  And I am not at all ruling out these attributes of relationships.  But for me and for few others as well, the very basic yet essential element of having any relationship is – love.  

I won’t glamorize the word too much by writing vague phrases like love is the only eternal truth in the history of mankind.  Rather I would keep it simple.  For me, love is an attachment that results from deeply appreciating another person’s attributes like goodness.  It is a natural force, which cannot be controlled under human circumstances.  It does not come with conditions, stipulations, addendums, or codes.  One can invite love, but he/she cannot dictate how, when, and where love expresses itself.  You cannot make someone love you, nor can you prevent it, for any type of compensation. Love cannot be imprisoned nor can it be legislated. It is not a substance, not a commodity, not even a marketable power source. Love has no territory, no borders, no quantifiable mass or energy output.  Love cannot be turned on as a reward. It cannot be turned off as a punishment. Only something else pretending to be love can be used as a lure, as a hook, for bait, imitated, insinuated, but the real deal can never happen if love doesn't spring freely from the heart.  One can buy loyalty, companionship, attention, perhaps even compassion.  Not just that, one can even buy orgasm, sex partners or for that matter marriage partners as well. However, love is inherently free and cannot be bought, sold, or traded. It comes, or not, by grace, of its own will and in its own timing, subject to no human’s planning & intervention. 

Though I value my independence narcissistically, I have always been an ardent believer of Love and Interdependency.  Whereas in my opinion, “marriage” is just a matter for law, rules, courts and property rights. Marriage price or dowry, alimony and the pre-nuptial agreement, make it clear that marriage is all about contracts. Marriage has nothing to do with love.  Inversely, love is independent of marriages.  I am not saying that love cannot happen after / before marriage with your spouse.  It certainly can…But then, marriage is not at all an absolute necessity for anyone to love someone, even if that someone may be your would to be spouse.  People can still love someone even if they are not married to them. In my opinion, marriage is just a ceremony created by the society to announce the alliance between a man and a woman.  What follows thereafter may or may not turn into love.  Awfully, people just follow the societal norm of getting married without even trying to understand its significance in their life.   I never ever went through any kind of ceremony to announce my association with my parents.  Yet my parents and I love each other very much.  Our relationship still stands tall, authentic and completely natural.  One does not need a ceremonial announcement to blossom his / her love.  As mentioned earlier, love comes, or not, by grace, of its own will and needs no human’s planning or intervention like marriage to stand alive. 

I have seen several friends who got married to people whom they did not love.  There are many who left people who seriously loved them, and got married to others in search of a better life or for that matter for other reasons and pressures.  Several others got married yet are still searching love in their marital relationship.  A handful number of people are still looking outside their marital relationship treacherously for momentary pleasures.  I just pity on such people and consider myself fortunate enough to be a thinker…and of course a lover too. 

For me, ever since my childhood, I have consciously declined getting married to anyone throughout my life, as I don’t feel its absolute necessity.  And I would never follow societal norms just for the heck of it or just because everyone does it.  At the same time, I would humbly deny the remark made by my soul friend, that I lack “depth of life”.  

Consciously I might not have a full fledged marital relationship, but unconsciously I do posses an attachment with her that results from deeply appreciating her goodness.  And this attachment is not restrained by any societal norms and ceremonial announcement.   Howsoever raw it may appear to be on the surface of it; the guarantee is that the attachment is pure and sacred from inside.  And that’s where I swim deep, very very deep in the ocean of life.